I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize