god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
