I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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