I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
