I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
