My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
