my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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