Non-Jews are for practice
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
