Three words: puerto rican gang bang
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
