Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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