I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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