I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
