can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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