God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
