Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
