I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
