i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
