At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize