I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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