I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
