I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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