I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
