My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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