A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
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