My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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