im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
