I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize