after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
