I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
