Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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