i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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