if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize