Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
