She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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