whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
