I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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