Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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