I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
