If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
