I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
