i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
