Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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