This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
