i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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