If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
