remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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