Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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