dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
