I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
