I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize