the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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