my sisters under your porch take her home
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
