I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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