He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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