yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
