I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
