i was born a porn star she said
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
