The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We have so much sex to catch up on
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize