I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
