I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
