I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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