Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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